Thursday, June 21, 2007

What Men Can Get Away With (sooo sooo true)

wala lang. i just love this article. well, most of the things written are true. :p this is a funny article written by a man i believe. hehe

What Men Can Get Away With

Like it or not, we live in a world of vicious double standards, where a promiscuous woman is labeled a slut while a promiscuous man is heralded as a stud. Fortunately for us, the enormous one-sided benefits don't have to end there. Take a glimpse at some of the things men can get away with that women simply can't.


Looking like a slob
When it comes to fashion, most men expect women to look like they're preparing to compete in the Miss Universe Pageant. To that end, a woman wearing anything other than a swimsuit or an evening gown is viewed as something of a mild disappointment.
Luckily, men aren't held to the same ridiculously high standards. We can emulate Crockett and Tubbs by sporting five days' worth of stubble, we can wear clothing so wrinkled it looks like a topographic map of the Alps, and we can keep the same haircut for decades at a time. Hell, we can even walk around with the underside of an iron scorched on our shirts and no one will think anything less of us. After all, we're men. The very fact that we remembered to put on pants before we ambled into work is considered something of a minor miracle.

Owning one pair of shoes
When it comes to footwear, most men ascribe to the philosophy, "One pair of feet, one pair of shoes." Frankly, it's hard to argue with the math, even if it does occasionally mean having to attend a wedding in your basketball sneakers.

Going bald
Irish whiner Sinead O'Connor made female baldness sexy for approximately three seconds back in the 1990s. Ever since then, mankind has skipped over women with male pattern baldness faster than you can say "Kojak."

Wearing drab, unexciting underwear
Believe it or not, women don't buy G-strings because they like the refreshing lack of support. Rather, they spend millions of dollars every year on alluring lingerie solely to excite us. Luckily, they don't expect us to return the favor. Even as you're reading this, some woman in a $250 lace teddy is being seduced by a man in a pair of yellow Y-fronts that he bought for $2.99 back in 1987.

Wearing the same clothing from one season to the next
Fall... winter... spring... summer... for most women, these are important seasonal divisions that dictate a radical change in fashion and trends. For men, on the other hand, they're a handy way of tracking which sport is on TV. Luckily for us, the predominance of classics in men's fashion allows us to get away with handy little tricks like wearing the same navy blue suit to absolutely every formal function we're invited to.

Dressing like a lumberjack
A man who dresses like a miniaturized Paul Bunyan is generally regarded as being "rustic" and "rugged," two highly prized masculine qualities. A woman who dresses in the same manner, meanwhile, is generally seen as being "really good at field hockey" and "a huge fan of Melissa Etheridge." Either way, she's bound to be a horrible date, unless your name is Sheila.

Grooming & etiquette

Farting and burping in public

For reasons that elude us, the act of men emitting gas is drop-dead funny. Who can forget the hilarious campfire farting scene in Blazing Saddles or Howard Stern's raunchy superhero, Fartman? For men around the world, passing gas isn't just healthy, it's hilarious.

Ball shifting
If you ever meet a woman who can get away with this, quickly look for an Adam's apple and slowly back away. Trust us on this one.

Gaining weight
According to University of Florida professor Kim Walsh-Childers: "There is a broader range of what is accepted to be a sex symbol as a male. You can be older, heavier or bald." She has a point. We live in a world where Buddha, Santa Claus and even Kevin James are seen as cuddly and cute, while Star Jones and Delta Burke are regarded with grave suspicion by men and buffet owners alike. It's little coincidence that jokes about "yo' mama" being so fat proliferate, while witticisms about portly fathers rarely see the light of the day.

Let's be honest: The only time you see an older woman on TV is when your remote control breaks during a documentary on the Queen or a rerun of The Golden Girls. Like it or not, Hollywood has taught us that older women are denture-clattering naggers with nipples down to their knees. Luckily, many young women believe wheezing geezers, such as Robert Redford and Sean Connery, are still sizzling sex symbols.

Letting our hair go gray
For most women, showing subtle signs of aging is akin to a dog showing its jugular. That's why pharmacies are overflowing with dozens of hair-coloring kits and concealers. Women with gray hair are said to be "showing their age." Men like Richard Gere and George Clooney, on the other hand, are said to look "distinguished."

Glance through a glossy magazine and you're likely to see images of topless male models glistening with sweat. The message is simple: Perspiration is sexy. Sweat highlights musculature, and hints at a job that's been done and done well. Men can sweat, but women must "glow."

It used to be that cursing was the singular domain of salty pirates and speed-addled truckers. These days, swearing has been elevated into an art form thanks to the profanity-laced rants of men like Richard Pryor, Andrew Dice Clay and Eddie Murphy. No matter how you look at it, swearing is cool... so long as you're a man. Otherwise, it's a tacky debasement of the English language. After all, aren't girls supposed to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice?

Not shaving below the neck
For most men, body hair is a cherished sign of virility. The very first chest hair is awaited eagerly during puberty and silently celebrated when it finally arrives. Similarly, patches of hair on your arms, legs and even your back indicate that you've graduated from boyhood. While no man wants to look like a Wookie, a little smattering of follicles is generally a welcome sight. The same cannot be said of women. In order to appease us, the fairer sex must undergo a grueling regime of plucking, threading, cutting, and waxing that has more in common with sadomasochism than it does with personal hygiene.


Having a criminal record

It's a well-documented fact that women love bad boys. The danger and sense of adventure intrigues them, while the prospect of a forbidden romance brings out their inner Harlequin novelist. So what if you only went to jail because you forgot to pay a parking ticket? You're a fugitive, damn it!

Having scars
For many men, scars are battle wounds that tell of wars and conflicts past. They illustrate a man's essential toughness and show his ability to weather pain. A man with scars has a history. A woman with scars has either: 1) A parole officer; 2) A totaled vehicle; or 3) A girlfriend of her own.

Peeing anytime, anywhere
Being a man means having the freedom to make the entire world your urinal. From trash compactors to dank alleyways, every darkened locale is just another potential toilet. Men around the world, we give you a one-gun salute!


Talking about past conquests
Perhaps it's a vestige of our warrior past, but men are expected to have numerous conquests. Even if the women we've dated bear a striking resemblance to Screech from Saved by the Bell, having had multiple partners shows we're experienced and desirable.

A man who eats every meal like it may be his last is praised for his "healthy appetite." A woman who approaches her food with the same candor, on the other hand, is assumed to be bulimic.

Being a complete and utter wreck
Women love reclamation projects. How else could you explain the success of shows like Extreme Makeover and Trading Spaces? There's just something about a wayward man that kicks a female's maternal instincts into overdrive.

Engaging in adultery
In many cultures, it is more acceptable for a husband to have a lover than it is for his wife to have one. A man with another lover is praised for his virility and chicanery, while a woman who cheats is considered to be a shameful miscreant whose actions threaten to jeopardize her family's stability.

Double dipping
Double standards are never just... until they actually work in your favor. So what are you waiting for? Put on a beer gut, toss out the Grecian formula and start swearing like a syphilitic sailor. It's high time you learned to embrace society's irrational impartiality and made it work for you!

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